Tracy's Thinks: In Search of My Sanity
It has certainly been a while since I blogged (that is just a weird verb....it sounds like a non-publicly displayed bodily function). I've written many blogs in my head that never actually make it to paper (screen?), but that is a whole other topic for another time. What I want to talk about, with the time of New Year's resolutions upon us, is my struggle with body image and disordered eating. This is all very personal and, frankly, the thought of sharing this publicly makes me want to curl into a ball and hide in the corner. For. The. Rest. Of. My. Liiiiiiifffffeeeeeeeee. I seek no pity, just to take another tentative step forward into a healthy me and to maybe, possibly, hopefully, help another human being to enjoy the brief span of time given on this earth just a little more.
I was one of those girls that could eat. And eat. And EAT. And never gain weight. I prided myself on my lean frame. I secretly pitied my less-than-skinny friends. I never thought I'd struggle with weight. The interesting thing was that, despite the occasional overindulgence, I really had pretty good habits, naturally, as far as diet and exercise. As I got older and took on more responsibility in life, my time became more of a premium and bad habits began to take root. Anyways, as you probably know or can guess, that I did put on some weight and finally got to a breaking point where I knew I had to get it under control or I would be F-A-T forever (my distorted body image began long ago, but it REALLY reared its ugly head around this time and became part of my reality). This was when I sought help from a program that helped me lose 65 pounds. It was awesome. However, I did not take the time to address my issues, and the program then became a crutch for me. I got down to a mere 118 pounds (I'm 5' 6.75" - yes, that 0.75" is a necessary and important addition!), but had restricted myself from so much food that I had a very plain (and boring) diet. I justified my behavior, even when I binged on the things I denied myself every few months. No purging (because I am a total wimp when it comes to vomiting) or anything like that, just extreme guilt afterwards and the idea that I'd do better tomorrow/Monday/next week/some arbitrary and vague future time. I set myself up to think of certain foods as "cheat" foods, certain behaviors as me being "bad", and I equated following my strict rules of control of every bit of food to enter my mouth and every bit of exercise to be counted and measured and accounted for as being "on plan" and "good". This mentality literally robbed me of my joy, my peace, and my enjoyment of life (and food). Why couldn't I just enjoy a piece of the delicious birthday cake or a couple of cookies, rather than deprive myself for months and then finally cave and eat half the darn cake and a dozen cookies all in one sitting? See, I had developed disordered eating on top of my negative body image, and now that I was thin, I was determined to NEVER go back.
This went on for about two years, with me clinging desperately to the numbers on the scale, determined to keep them down and watching helplessly as they rose again, despite how much I ran and how much food I denied myself. Now, let me take a minute to clarify, before anyone freaks out: I DID eat. Probably not enough for my activity level, but I did eat what would be considered healthily...and I still do (mostly).
This past summer my life got out-of-control busy and that, in combination with the extremely rough Spring I had just experienced and a fun extended trip with my family, caused chaos and I
slipped slowly out of my diet and exercise routines. The diet routine going out the window was a blessing in disguise. Even though I put on some of the weight I had lost, I rediscovered many foods that I had previously ruled out. I found I could no longer deprive myself of some of those foods. I also discovered that I really, really, really like the way I feel when I do eat in a healthy way, say 90% of the time. The world didn't end because I ate some froyo and some chips, all in the same day. There have been a few times when the bingeing on the previously denied foods has happened, but slowly, I've been able to enjoy those kinds of things in reasonable amounts. It's a work in progress. I'm a work in progress. Every day, I have to remember that this won't be the last time I can ever have this food, so I better eat what I can stuff in my face NOW! I'm not telling myself that this or that food is off-limits, thereby leading to the deny-binge cycle I had going on. Phew. That stuff was hard to put into writing and admit to the world (or the approximately 1.33 people that may or may not read this blog).
As for the body image issues, I'm working on it. It's hard. I've sought support from a group of loving individuals, and that has helped tremendously. It's a daily (constant) struggle to improve my negative self-talk. Dang, I'm mean to me. I'd never be that mean to anyone else (on a totally unrelated note, I just remembered that I had a really cool dream last night in which I was a ninja and it involved glass floors above big cities and climbing up and down cool wooden ladders and packing and unpacking a backpack with my jeans and socks - weird). Body image issues. Ugh. I hate most things about myself, yet don't see the flaws in others so much. In fact, I generally see lots of great attributes in others, both physical and character-wise. That is something that has changed about me - being less critical of those around me. Hallelujah for that. So, what to do about this body image issue, without taking it too far and becoming a big-headed fool....Is there anything I like about my physical appearance? At the moment, no, not really. When I weighed 118....no, not really. When I weighed 185....no,. not really. SEEEEEEEE, for me, the weight doesn't really matter. I've trained myself to not like me, no matter the size. That's just a little bonus crazy thrown in there for ya.
My quest for a healthier me includes this body image issue, plus continuing my balanced, healthier eating style (less restrictive and more SANE), and building my strength and endurance. I want to revel in what my body can DO, rather than be stuck on something so superficial as how it looks. Gosh, it has been through more than 36 years of abuse, 4 babies birthed, surgeries, injuries, extreme exercise, extreme lack of exercise, too much food, not enough food, plus a whole bunch of other stuff too complicated to detail here.
At this point, I want to offer my apologies to anyone I may have hurt along my journey, particularly through my facebook posts that were meant to be inspiring. Egads. That sounds so smug and self-righteous. See, I mistakenly and very, very wrongly thought that everyone wanted what I had and worse, should want it. That everyone was as unhappy with his or her body as I was, and desperately wanted to lose some weight. The idea that I may have made you feel defeated or ashamed of your body or that I made you forego your healthy eating and movement habits for something faster and more extreme is one that weighs heavily on my heart. To you, I am profoundly sorry. My intentions were good, if erroneous. Should you feel as though you need to talk this out with me, to share your viewpoint, please contact me. I will listen, apologize, and affirm you in whatever you choose to do or not do with your diet, weight, and health. I want to be a true encouragement for you, in that I am adopting a sane way of living and seeking to be truly and sustainably healthy, and not a hindrance to you in your journey, wherever you happen to be.
Body image issues are not fun. I see a picture of myself and I am hyper-critical. Ugh. That's just got to stop. Will you join me in promising to be kinder to myself, particularly in my self-talk? Will you join with me in throwing out the cray-cray, extreme deprivation measures?
Thanks for letting me talk(type) this out. I'm an "out-loud" processor, which drives my "let me fix it for you" husband up the wall. Please share with me if you, too, are struggling with these issues, if it will help you to be healthier. Love and peace and sanity to you in this new year!
