Get REAL!

I yearn for authenticity and sincerity. In a world that is sorely lacking both (among a whole lot of other stuff)...I just want people to be nice, tell the truth, and be REAL! Is that so much to ask? That is all for now...

The One Where I Go On Ad Nauseum About Karate...

I am a green belt now, deservedly or not, and it is too late for them to take it away from me now! It is mine, all mine. And, boy, is it purty!


I realized that attaining this belt rank might not be a big achievement for some, and a whole bunch of people would probably say, "Who cares?" Then, I realized something else, and it was mind-boggling:  I am doing this for me, and my successes and failures are mine alone. Yes, my instructors are super-de-duper influential, and I would not be where I am without them. Of that, I am certain. I owe them all so much, as they have patiently taught me, molded me, corrected me, and, to risk sounding sappy, loved me. But, no matter how much and how well they do all of the above, they cannot make me stick with this, nor can they make me practice, nor conduct myself in a manner becoming to a martial artist, nor even show up to class.


As I am sure that you are all aware, as a mom, I spend most of my time doing things for others or things that will benefit others. Karate, although beneficial to my family in many ways, is not for someone else. It is just me and the mat, me and the punching bag, me and the combination that is giving me fits, me and the struggle for self-discipline. I do not do karate because I have to or because I want my kids to stay in it (although I do want them to), nor do I do it to be tough and strong. I have no delusions of grandeur,neither that this may bring me fame or riches or glory. I do it because it is hard and it is satisfying and just because I want to.


The casual observer does not know what he is missing; He does not understand why having that new belt tied around your waist by an instructor whose respect you so highly value is such an emotional experience. He simply cannot comprehend that the hours devoted, the things sacrificed, the effort poured into perfecting those punches and kicks and blocks is so much more than a physical journey.


The inevitable bruises and bumps are like shiny medals handed out. They are proof that I have enough gumption to get knocked around (and get knocked down), yet get right back up and persevere. Going through ten rounds of sparring, getting kicked in the face and yet never feeling anything but joy and FUN and comraderie towards my opponent. Realizing how much I love to help others and teach when my opponent cracks me right in my head because I have dropped my hands and my first reaction is, "Great shot!!!"


Karate has allowed me (and forced me) to step out of my comfort zone. Comfort zones are, well, comfortable, and that is okay...sometimes. A little comfort now and then is a good thing - mmmm, like spaghetti and garlic bread....But, you cannot live on it, at least not healthily. And how boring would that be anyways?

Left Side! Strong Side!

I avoided football games in high school, as a general rule. Not being a huge fan of watching sports, coupled with the I-am-way-to-artsy-to-care-about-the-football-team attitude that I adopted, means that I have a limited perspective in this area. The (very) few games that I attended way back when did not leave me with any lasting impressions, other than this was the place they made into the track once the football players were done with it. Most of the football experience I have is from watching movies made about football...which means that I have the most accurate and realistic information about the sport then, right? (right????)


Revisiting this milieu as an adult left me with very definite impressions and a tiny (really, really, really tiny) understanding of why football is king here in Texas. Here below are the thoughts I recorded during this game, in a pseudo stream of consciousness  (slightly modified for punctuation and grammar, because that is just how I roll...blame it on my English teachers):


The sheer number of people involved in making this happen is staggering. Event staff with official t shirts, band, cheerleaders, players, dance teams, mascots, coaches, athletic trainers,videographers, photographers, journalists, families of all those involved, plus the random fans who have no affiliation other than the love of the game. The excitement and competition are palpable. The possibilities are endless as the coin is tossed. The players run on the field as warriors to battle. The anthem unites the rivals for a few moments, and the billowing flag is a reminder that the greater purpose of the world continues, despite the outcome of this game. The game begins and I am utterly lost. There is great celebration and much confusion as the arduous process of start- stop-start again begins. The band and cheerleaders are tireless. Score! Or should I say touchdown!!! Every play is celebrated as a battle won. The bands attempt to outplay each other, the announcer to shout above it all...would it be party-pooper-ish of me to long secretly for ear plugs? Is it my ears that hurt or is it a deeper secret desire to not be too in the moments of life? This town was a one high school town for many, many years. This inter-district rivalry is a new and delicious experience. This is Texas, where football is king. Small girls run around in cheer clinic and Boswell pioneer tees. Young boys watch intently and yell "good play!" and "go go go!" And "touchdown!" T shirts tossed to the crowd cause more excitement than is really necessary, the proffered shirts coveted like precious jewels. The Boswell band plays a few seriously cool tunes (Green Day, really??) and several of the traditional fare. The announcer talks constantly,  seeming to shout over the dueling bands, and why is it that I am the only one who notices the rain?


The thoughts recorded now, for all to read, I must admit that I have reached some conclusions regarding football . I definitely no longer see football as boring, although I am still not a convert to the church of the NFL and it is highly doubtful that I will ever become a football proselyte. I also have a greater respect for the players, having doubted the amount of brain power needed to play (rude and judgmental of me, I know). The plays were nicely orchestrated and executed, the teams working together as if one body, controlled by one mind. I realize that pulling off plays that actually work, with that many people and who knows how many variables involved, is no small feat. I will no longer scoff, nor will I roll my eyes at the mention of the game. For a few hours, one night a few weeks ago, I (almost) got caught up in football fever. Football fans, I totally (almost, kinda sorta, a little teensy weensy bit) get you now...Although, I was still hoping for the football team to enter the field à la Remember the Titans...

On Writing

While weeding the flower bed this evening (and listening to the kids play their crazy game with stuffed animals and imaginary zip lines), I mentally worked on my story line for my...well, I admit it is intended to be a novel, but I feel cheesy saying that I am writing a novel. Ok, whatever, so I am cheesy. Writing has always been an outlet for me, whether I am writing stories, songs, poems, or just random bits of prose. Like this blog. It is a nice creative outlet that is mine, all mine!!!! Good or bad, right or wrong, interesting or boring, it is MINE! 


I digress. The storyline for my novel (yikes, that sounds so much loftier than I intend it to sound). It is developing nicely, partially inspired by some true life experiences, but completely and totally fictional all the same. Does that even make sense? 


One funny thing I have noticed about myself is that I am more inspired to write when I am totally and completely ignoring any writing that is required of me, such as the writing for my dissertation or any number of papers that I must complete for my classes. Which, as you may have figured out, I am currently doing (ignoring the required). It seems like the urge to get the words on paper, to bring them carefully and lovingly from the fledgling ideas to full maturity, only occurs when it is something I want to write about and is not required. Writing papers and this dissertation are slow, painful, and methodical experiences. Checking references, footnotes, bibliographies and the like are creativity-killers, at least for me. 


When I have the freedom to put the words on paper, either literally or on the computer screen, the process is enjoyable and liberating. I have heard it said that artists, be they writers, painters, musicians, all have this experience wherein the words/song/image seem to take the person over , consuming his thoughts and interfering in every waking moment until it is freed in the necessary medium. It is almost as if the ideas have a life of their own, and they are not content until they are expressed fully and completely on paper, on canvas, or in notes and melodies. The artist then has peace. Maybe that just sounds crazy to a lot of you out there...Well, crazy or not, that has been my experience, especially with writing. 


So, writing this post about, er, writing, made me think about...writing. Profound? Out of curiosity, I searched for writing quotes (because everybody loves a good quote). Here, in no particular order, are some excellent ones (just in case you ever wanted to read a blog post about...writing...with written quotes about...writing...hmmm, this is getting cheesier by the minute). 


I try to leave out the parts that people skip.  ~Elmore Leonard


Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart.  ~William Wordsworth


Write down the thoughts of the moment.  Those that come unsought for are commonly the most valuable.  ~Francis Bacon


Be obscure clearly.  ~E.B. White 


The only cure for writer's block is insomnia.  ~Merit Antares


The best time for planning a book is while you're doing the dishes.  ~Agatha Christie


If I don't write to empty my mind, I go mad.  ~Lord Byron


Thanks to Quote Garden for the great quotes. The internet rocks! 

The Artist Formerly Known As...

Greetings, avid followers! I hope you all notice the change in my blog title. Don't worry, I am not losing my religion or anything. It seemed to me that the former title implied that this blog would be about lofty faith and theological issues, which, as you may have noticed, it most certainly is not. At least not very often...I still reserve the right to wax eloquently about my faith.

However, I decided that the title should more accurately reflect what is the actual the content of the blog. Thus, Tracy's Thinks was born. I am hopeful that the little quote under the title will give you an idea of why I chose this title. If not, please click here.

This is it for now, as life is marching on all around me, specifically in the form of several small, hungry, and extremely persistent children clamoring for an as yet uncooked dinner. Adieu, adieu, 'till it be morrow....or whenever I get around to writing again. :)

They used to call me Piggy!

Before you, dear reader, fall out of your chair from surprise at this rare occurrence of two posts in as many days, let me quickly assure you that this is highly unlikely to occur again. Ever. A word about my oh-so-clever title. I hope you get it. If not, comment, and I will explain. So many of my great jokes and comments are misunderstood...does that make me a genius? Or just slightly weird?

I realized something about myself today, as I stepped on the scale for my weekly weigh-in. Yes, I weigh myself every week and watch what I eat very carefully. I know that there are lots and lots of people who claim this is a terrible habit that leads to eating disorders and other Horrible Things (capitalization intentional...just a simple disclaimer for the grammar police). For me, it is vital, as I tend to ignore problems until they have me cornered.

I was one of those lucky girls, in my younger years, that could eat anything and gain nothing. Freak of nature, I tell 'ya. Well, bodies have a funny way of changing things around just as soon as you figure them out. Losing weight after my first child was simple. I did nothing except exist. Easy peasy. It was the latter pregnancies and subsequent c-sections (4 in all)that did me in, coupled with aging and too much responsibility to take care of my basic needs. Throw in some years of high stress, very little sleep, emotional turmoil, and voila, you have instant chubby mommy.

So, in stepping on the scale and disliking the number that I saw, as I had not lost as much as I have other weeks, I had an epiphany. I am too hard on myself about...everything. I have this inborn (or inbred) fear of failure. The parameters are usually of my own making, sure, but if I view any endeavor as a failure, the impact on my thoughts and well-being is tremendous. No matter how trivial the endeavor may be. This, I firmly believe, goes back to the way we as children are expected to learn.

I have no illusions that our society could exist without rules, governance, and order. I have read far too widely about what happens to the social structure without some sort of authority in place.

Of course, if we all followed the greatest commandment, this would not be a problem...

So, back to the root of the problem. This fear of failure. At first, it may seem logical to be afraid of failure. We all want to be successful. Once I really thought about it, I realized that failure can have dire consequences, such as a failure to keep my body parts out of a lion's mouth or failure to stay awake while driving my vehicle. Of those types of failures, I think fear is healthy and life-preserving. The other fear, that insidious, "what-if-I-don't-measure-up-so-what-if-the-standards-are-arbitrary-and-unattainable-I-want-to-be-the-best-no-matter-the-cost" fear is what I am talking about. We are trained to jump through hoops. Getting the grade, getting the raise, winning the race, beating others out for first place...all seem pretty contrary to the stuff of life that really matters.

I am not advocating an "everybody wins" mentality. I abhor the thought of 10 children running a race and all getting shiny blue ribbons for effort. Competition can be healthy and spark interests that become lifelong pursuits of passionate learning.

The problem with the fear of failure is the learning that takes place in the failing. I was deeply moved by a Nike commercial a few years back. Michael Jordan lists how many times he failed at the thing he is considered best at - making the shot!

Ben Franklin is quoted as saying “I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
Failure teaches us a lot about what we are attempting to do, about ourselves, about the world around us. The biggest problem with this fear of failure is that we stop trying, stop taking risks, stop living life, in short. Ben Franklin also is quoted as saying, “Do not fear mistakes. You will know failure. Continue to reach out.” Pretty wise words from a pretty wise guy.

Confessions of a 30-ish Year Old Easily Distracted Mother

Ok, so the title is not really that clever, but I thought it was silly and a fitting title to this blog post. I do have some confessions for you, my avid readership. Here they are, in no particular order:

1. I was shocked to discover that I do like more rap than I realized. I recant my statement from my previous post. I admit that I was 100% totally incorrect. (Shocking, I know, but I am rather frequently wrong and have no qualms in pointing that fact out. Just do NOT tell my husband.) Thinking back over the years, I realized that some seriously good music has made up the soundtrack of my life, and mixed in, was some seriously good rap! To name a few: The Sugarhill Gang's "Rapper's Delight", 311's "Down", Beastie Boys' "Brass Monkey"... I KNOW some of you out there in cyberspace will scoff and say "That is not REAL rap music." All I can say to that is "Quit yer hatin'!"

2. I have written at least 10 blog entries in my head since the last post. Rest assured they were all much wittier and much more interesting than this one will be...I guess the REAL confession in this one is that I am a total slacker, at least when it comes to actually writing down these mentally composed blogs.

3. I have NO idea how to add cool links and pictures to this blog. I have also not taken the time to research it to try to figure it out for myself. I would rather someone just tell me, as it would mean less effort on my part. See, at this point, if I knew how to do those things, I would put in a link to my friend Cameron's blog, The Cameronomicon, of which I am an avid reader, partly because the guy is so darn funny and a great friend, partly because I like the idea of being considered a Cameronomiconophile or is it Cameronominconologist? I digress...

4. I oftentimes inadvertently hit the silly little built-in mouse pad with my hand,thereby repositioning the cursor in a place I did not intend for it to go, resulting in really, really, really jumbled sentences. Why do I not disable the silly thing, since I use a wireless mouse for all things mouse-worthy? Again, because I do not know how, do not want to figure it out, and would rather just deal with the issue of fixing my jumbled sentences than take the time to fix it.

5. I do not like ear buds. They give me a headache, no matter how low I turn the music (which then creates the problem that I cannot actually hear the music to which I am attempting to listen).

6. Sometimes, I feel like motherhood is a mind-numbing, intelligence-stealing, sanity-breaking series of monotonous actions. Other times, I am left breathless at the beauty of my children's hearts and minds, and would not change a thing in my life. The more I let go of my preconceived notions of what motherhood and family relationships should and should not be, the more I appreciate and love my family. It is a different adventure for every person.

7. I have had to learn, the hard way, to say "No." Otherwise, I get involved in too much, and cannot do any one thing well, just a lot of stuff only halfway sufficiently.

8. I am carrying around a spiral to record my brilliant ideas for blog entries(I command you to stop laughing...ok, laugh all you want, it was a ridiculous statment), lest I continue in this bad habit of mentally composing beautifully touching entries and then promptly forgetting them. We will see how long that lasts...

9. I have home schooled my older children from time to time, and I am currently homeschooling my two youngest children. I have spent many hours of my life reading all sorts of websites, books, blogs, and magazines dealing with home schooling. The most recent read is "The Teenage Liberation Handbook." I highly recommend it. Although I do have 5 children enrolled in public school (another blog posting in and of itself...), my opinions of the way young people are expected to learn are very, very staunchly anti-establishment. Sure, there are kids who do just fine in the great experiment that is public school, but, as we all know, there are kids who do not do well at all. Of course, the parents of these kids and the kids themselves have to take ownership of their education if the standard norm of public school is unacceptable and avoided. This is, for many, just not feasible nor desirable. To each his own. To swim against the current of popular opinion is not an easy feat, and it can be both exhausting and disheartening. It is worth it, however to attempt to think for oneself. Unlearning and deprogramming myself after my numerous years of schooling is both difficult and painful at times. Deeply held beliefs, no matter how unreasonable, irrational, illogical, and just plain dumb they may be, are comfortable and familiar. Schooling is something that, as we have been repeatedly told, only occurs in the classroom under the authority of a person who has learned how to infuse knowledge into your noggin', and can only be considered successful if you fill in the correct little bubble with your newly sharpened pencil. This country was not founded by people who unquestioningly followed arbitrary rules. I could keep on going on this topic, but I will spare you, dear reader, and climb down from my soap box...

10. I really do not have a #10, but for some reason, could not leave it off at #9 and felt compelled to add it. Must be the public school coming out in me...

10.

A Triflin' Friend Indeed

I am not a rap music person. Never have been. Something about the incessant use of curse words paired with lurid descriptions of women's physical attributes disturbs me...Anywhooooo...I must break my rule of "TURN THAT OFF" whenever I hear the song "Gold Digger" by what's-his-name (you know, the one who turned the entire world of teenage girls, moms, and creepy-stalker guys against him when he interrupted Taylor Swift's acceptance speech...that guy). Admittedly, I only heard the song because it was on Glee and subsequently, is on the GleeCd, which is, of course, on my iPod. Just thought it was important to preface this discussion of "Gold Digger" by giving you some basis as to why I would be listening to that guy...what IS his name? The Taylor-Swift-Interrupter-guy. So much for notoriety being better than anonymity.

So, back to the topic...yeah, "Gold Digger". Have you ever actually listened to it? It is a fitting illustration of that old adage that we have all been quoted, "You made your bed..." I always hated hearing those adages, but as I hear those words pop out of my mouth in conversations with my children, I am amazed that there is ever any debate over evolution - I mean, really, if we have been evolving into higher life forms, wouldn't we have come up with some better sayings by now?

Ok...where was I? Hmmmm...rap music, Taylor Swift, Glee, "Gold Digger", stalkers, iPod, adages, evolution...just a day in the life, people.

So, why on earth was this guy in a beauty salon (if he is a hairdresser, I do not think he would be going after said gold-digging female. It is highly more likely that he would be discussing and/or coveting her Louis Vuitton, if you ask me)? Also, if he met her in a salon with this designer (hence, expensive) purse, would not alarm bells be gonging in his head? 'Cause any woman could have told him that beauty salon + designer accessories = WATCH OUT AND HOLD ON TO YOUR WALLET BECAUSE YOU JUST WON YOURSELF A HIGH MAINTENANCE WOMAN...just sayin'...

I am just thrilled that I will be able to label this blog with evolution and Louis Vuitton. That is the coolest thing ever. Now, I have a goal to come up with the most interesting combinations of blog labels, because that is just how I roll. Now I gotta figure out how to put pictures in this thing...because I could have soooooo much fun with that.

Back on topic. Oh, by the way, if you are going to read this, be prepared. I have a very difficult time staying on topic. I like to attribute it to a brilliant mind that moves at the speed of light, but my husband attributes it to ADD. Who said we have to agree on everything?

Why does "Gold Digger" hold a special spot in my playlist? It just makes me laugh. It is a classic example of what happens to us humans when we "follow our hearts" (yeah, yeah, yeah, I know it was not his heart he was concerned with, but gotta keep it family-friendly here). When we pursue things that look good to us at the moment, blindly and without careful consideration, disappointment and regret usually occur. I have fallen victim to that so many times, and am just now to the point at thirty-thr...er, you know, in my adult life, that I actually think before I speak (sometimes) and do not chase down all the shiny things that catch my attention without first weighing the list of possible consequences against the potential benefits. Impulsivity (is that even a word?)can be endearing, but at some point, it becomes as old and irritating as the temper tantrums kids throw in the store for candy.

My point is (although, dear reader, you may doubt there is one) that "Gold Digger" embraces and promotes the ideals of modern society. Have the fun of your choosing (after all, this is a republic), then complain, whine, moan, gripe, and take microphones away from award recipients when things turn sour (like how I worked that back in there?). I guess my amusement at this song is an ironic, wry sort. A flicker of recognition at the foibles of the (this) human heart. Although a cutie with a Louis Vuitton is not my particular brand of poison...

Kaleidoscope by Patsy Clairmont

I have never had a "Women of Faith" experience, so I was looking forward to reading "Kaleidoscope" by Patsy Clairmont. I wanted to love it. I really, really wanted to love it.

Here's the layout:
Tile page with a clever title and fitting verse of Scripture,then a cute two to four page personal anecdote or applicable story, followed by some focus questions and more related Scripture verses. This is the basic outline for each chapter (a few exceptions), and it seems like a fail-proof recipe. I just cannot love this book. No matter how hard I try to be satisfied, I am left wanting more! The subtitle set my expectations really high: "Seeing God's Wit and Wisdom in a Whole New Light". I expected some revelatory, angel-choir singing, eye-opening "AHA" moments - but I did not even experience one.

I am not saying that the book was not good. It was certainly amusing, and had some really cute stories. The applications were correct, so no argument to the Biblical accuracy will you find here. The questions are definitely not always easy ones to answer honestly, and the additional Scripture verses were a nice addition.

Loving this book was my intention, but I came away with a lukewarm, "we can still be friends" feeling. So, yes, I like it, but I just cannot add it to my list of books I love, nor would I recommend it to anyone looking for a serious study on Proverbs.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from Thomas Nelson Publishers as part of their BookSneeze.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

This is Your Brain in Love by Dr. Earl Hensin

I recently read "This is Your Brain in Love" by Dr. Earl Hensin for BookSneeze. I really enjoyed reading the book, as I am fascinated by how God's creation works. I love learning about the human brain, so this was right up my alley. :)The real-life stories and short foray into Jewish customs were fun to read. The quizzes to help a person figure out his particular tendencies as a "lover" were helpful and helped me to gain clarity. The appendices are also helpful and give a lot of good information. I was surprised at the focus on ADD, but enjoyed reading about it. This book may not have been about what I thought it would be, but it was nice to be wrong!

Jesus Lives by Sarah Young

Jesus Lives by Sarah Young is a thoughtful, beautiful, Biblically sound devotional. I have not read Jesus Calling, the book to which this is a companion piece. This book is visually appealing, well-made, and pretty enough to give as a gift. It is small enough to carry in a purse or briefcase, with a lovely crimson ribbon to helpfully mark your place. The color scheme is simple and elegant, as is the art work. Don't let the diminutive size mislead you. This devotional is packed full of Scripture and Biblically sound life applications. Written as though Jesus is speaking directly to the reader, the format is two pages per devotional topic. The first page is the main idea and the words that Ms. Young envisions Jesus writing to His child, while the opposite page highlights the Scripture verses that served as inspiration. The underlying theme of this devotional is trusting in the promise that nothing can separate the believer from Jesus' love. Ms. Young successfully communicates this promise with Jesus Calling in an inspiring, comforting, and truthful manner. I am a member of Thomas Nelson's Book Review Blogger program. Find details at: http://brb.thomasnelson.com/